I listen to Dan Savage quite a bit. He is a sex advice columnist and writer and his podcast Savage Love keeps me company on the way to work. I’ve often had to turn to Google to find out what some of the terms he uses mean, but I mostly agree with his advice about love and relationships and have indeed drawn upon it from time to time.
The lovelorn often contact Dan wondering whether to break up with someone who is treating them badly (but who is better than no-one perhaps) and if they do will they ever meet another person again. There’s plenty of fish says Dan, go date (well, he actually says go fuck) other people. But somewhat contradictingly, he also refers to the concept of a lid for every pot. In that, he does not believe this to be true. He says that sometimes, there just isn’t someone for every one and some people just stay being just one person.
As I embrace my mid-forties I can’t help but wonder if this is me?
People say to me all the time, oh you will meet someone! But when I ask, if perhaps they or their partners know anyone for me, they say “oh we don’t know any single men”. Even the most mathematically challenged can see there’s a miscalculation in there somewhere.
Is it that I am too picky? Maybe. There are certain deal breakers for me. Smoking, current (and expired) AVO’s, extreme right wingers and anyone who claims that “life is too short” to read a book. In terms of looks, well, I think my taste is fairly varied. I will say I don’t tend to be attracted to very short men. This is because I almost always wear high heels. I don’t want to tower over my date. That’s just a personal preference of mine.
I think also the concept of “settling” is a bit unpleasant. I’m not holding out for a white knight, I would much prefer we enhance each other rather than save each other. But I would be mortified if I thought the man I was dating had thought “oh fuck it, might as well just go with this one”. I would prefer if we both saw qualities in each other which were attractive enough to override the things which we didn’t like that much about each other.
But maybe, I am a pot who will be forever without a lid. It’s not as though I don’t put myself out there. I most certainly do. I date men of varying looks, incomes, jobs, backgrounds etc. Still, I’ve not found a lid.
When I first divorced I had two tiny children and was stuck in a city far from my support networks and although I re-built (rather spectacularly if I do say so myself), my kids always took priority. Now though, they’re getting older and I have more time on my hands and yet I still find it’s so hard to meet someone with whom there is a mutual connection.
How will I actually know if I am a lidless pot? Should I just stop dating now and expect the inevitable? Should I just keep wading through what is a pretty big pool of frogs and then on my death bed, look around and say oh, well, Dan was right. Some pots are forever without lids?
Dating is really hard work, and even though I absolutely feel as though there just isn’t that right (or even mostly right) chap out there for me, I also can’t help but feel unwilling to truly accept that.
Is hoping to meet someone a waste of energy that might better be utilized in some sort of arts and craft project or charity work? I cannot help but wonder just how much further along my home renovations might be if I channeled as much energy into sugar soaping the walls as I do into working myself up to another first date.
I don’t have a crystal ball so I don’t know what the future holds for me but I am curious to know what others think. Do you think that for some people there will never be a someone else?*
*Please bear in mind when you answer this question that it’s Saturday night and I’m home alone eating Ben & Jerrys. Thanks.