A male friend told me the other day that I think too highly of myself when it comes to the men I wish to date. He said I shouldn’t put myself on a pedestal.
I was really hurt by this comment. I spent 11 years married to someone who told me every day how inadequate I was. As a wife, as a mother, and because of how I looked. I was too fat, I wasn’t attractive enough, I didn’t dress well, I shouldn’t even bother putting on makeup. When I did try and dress nicely and have my hair and makeup done I was accused of having an affair. So to have someone who I consider a friend makes such a nasty remark took me right back into those dark days of self-loathing.
For a long time the accusations of inadequacy sat with me and it’s heavily impacted on myself esteem and the way in which I have carried myself, particularly in my dating life.
About a year and a half ago I decided to change what I was doing and take better care of myself. I lost a large amount of weight, took up running and found my confidence again. I have felt pretty great ever since and people have commented on this, making me feel even better about myself.
I don’t believe this is me putting myself on a pedestal. Why is it that self improvement as a result of self care, is somehow seen as a bad thing?
When it comes to the types of men I am attracted to, they are many and varied. Regular readers will know that I was seeing someone for a few months at the beginning of the year. Looks wise, he was exactly my type. Tall, dark hair, green eyes, olive skin. But it’s not just that look that I am attracted to. A kind smile, a sharp wit and a father who really loves his kids, all of these things make a man attractive.
But there are things I am not attracted to and I think that is okay. Why is it that when I hold out for a man to whom I think I may have an attraction, I am accused, essentially, of being too full of myself? I don’t have a picture in my head of the man I think I “should” be with. But I have an idea of what I like and what I don’t like. This doesn’t make me someone who is too picky, or un-dateable. It simply makes me someone who knows what she wants. Somehow though, this doesn’t seem to be as a desirable a trait in a woman as it does in a man.
Irrespective of my attractiveness as it is perceived by those around me, surely I am within my rights as a grown woman, to choose whom I wish to date and whom I wish to pass on by? Why is it that how I am seen externally is a determinant of who I “should” date? For “should” read “good enough” to date.
I like to look good. I do this through a combination of eating (fairly) well, exercise and make up. It makes me feel good and when I feel good, I am less inclined to carelessly insult my friends.
I think I am a decent enough person to date whomever I wish to date and if someone has a problem with that, well, don’t let the door hit you in the backside on the way out.