Recently I ended a casual relationship, which seemed to be getting more casual the longer I was in it. Not quite the direction I had been hoping for. This has been disappointing but I just can’t do the FWB thing. I find the F gets lost amongst the B and then the B starts feeling kind of crap.
As such, I have dipped my toe back into the world of on line dating. Again. This brings with it a rollercoaster of emotions. Excitement, anticipation, dread, disappointment and the fervent hope that Ben and Jerry’s never ever goes out of business.
In searching for someone with whom I might have a connection, I try to engage in witty repartee. I find it’s a good way of filtering when it comes to choosing potential dates. Isn’t it great when you get into amusing banter with someone who you don’t know yet, but you’d like to? It’s a little flirty, a little fun and when someone can engage even a little bit cleverly on line, it makes them attractive. As such, when first chatting to someone, I don’t wish to be addressed with “hey sexy lady, hey pretty girl, or hey baby”. I mean seriously. Does that ever work?
Further, how hard it is to simply say “I really like your pictures. I think you have nice eyes/smile/hair etc”? This is a pleasant way of saying that you find someone attractive and it’s a non-threatening way to open a conversation. But in this swipe left/swipe right culture, it rarely seems to go this way.
Very soon after re-activating my profile, I got into a short chat with a man who asked me what I did for a living, and before I had the chance to answer he said “full time model”?
Actually, no. I am not a full time model. And I am not remotely flattered by the suggestion. I mean why not ask if I am a neuroscientist for heavens sake (probably couldn’t spell it). I replied “cheesy line” and he responded by saying that in fact, he was being quite genuine.
Now lets think about this for a moment shall we?
Of all the things in the world I could do for a living, as a 47 year old educated woman (a fact clearly stated on my profile), the only thing this man could think of to say to me is “are you a full time model”.
It’s insulting quite frankly. He doesn’t think I am a model. He thinks (if I may hazard a guess), that by reducing me to the sum of my looks, I will swoon and flutter my eyelashes and perhaps fall prettily into his arms. I most certainly will not.
Do I want a chap I am dating to be attracted to me? Yes, I do. I want him to compliment me on my outfit and my hair, and I want him to think I am beautiful (or at least mildly ravishing). But I also want him to laugh at my odd sense of humour and be stimulated by conversation and to be attracted to the way my mind works.
What I don’t want is some ridiculous line, which is obviously a line, to be used as a way to engage me. It makes me want to take a very long lie down. Alone.
There seem to be a lot of men looking to meet women out there. I am sure that there are as many looking for hook ups as there are looking for relationships. Which is fine, be clear about you want and do that. But please give just a bit more thought to the way in which you interact, don’t tell a woman you think she’s a model because you think that is what all women aspire to be. We don’t.
Be genuine, be kind, be yourself and keep the BS to a minimum.